🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
You Might Also Like
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT