If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.