11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.