I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.