[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
This could be us but you eatin’
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.