My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Huge”.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started