I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.