1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
You Might Also Like
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me too
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Close call…