Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I can’t deal with men any longer
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions