All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You Might Also Like
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Customize Your Wedding.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”