Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
You Might Also Like
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.