I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
❤️🦆
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts