Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My love language is hissing.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”