The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.