me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Every time.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future