Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume