Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.