we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Match dot com, but for socks.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Sniffing the broccoli