You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home