when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You Might Also Like
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
concern
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon