The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
You Might Also Like
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
i can’t wait that long
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.