Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
You Might Also Like
People buying plungers never look happy.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.