make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.