Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
this has done me in for some reason
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell