[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert