Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.