How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.