James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.