When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Dance like you’re not the father
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ok this is my dumbest yet
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background