Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.