[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.