GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I ate everything, including the H.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.