The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
This is amazing.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time