What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
This trial is so absurd 😭
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.