Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg