It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.