Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”