Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
We need more people like this.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
What even happened today?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Cndnsd Mlk
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Smooooooth