In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
accurate
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig