my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit đź’€
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.