When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You Might Also Like
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.