My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them