A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful