My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game