Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You Might Also Like
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.