I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.