I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
True
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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