Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*jingles half the way*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex