Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]