Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
DOOO EEEET
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I triple waxed for this?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
me after eating Cheetos
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.